Summary[]
Hi, everyone. I am now writing a parody (for want of a better word) of The Long Earth. This is what I do when I'm bored. More to come.
Chapters One to Two. Quicker, easier and more entertaining to read.
Chapter One[]
Hello, I’m Terry Pratchett.
And I’m Stephen Baxter. You’ll have lots of fun trying to work out which of us came up with each line.
But for now, let us dazzle you with our experienced and over-illustrative writing.
Private Percy was thinking. He does a lot of thinking, in this chapter.
Listen to the birds. Let us paint a picture of his surroundings and make him seem like every 1910s Englishman you’ve ever seen on TV.
He was in a war, by the way. Because the First World War is a really unique, obscure subject for literature.
Anyway, the sounds of war are gone and replaced with birdsong. How quaint.
Percy is now revealed as racist when he suggests that French people look like bears with fat monkey faces.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This following passage may seem irrelevant, but we assure you that a pregnant teenager and her creepy baby are part of the story. Just bear with us.
Maria Valienté is upset because someone stole her monkey bracelet. Not because she’s giving birth or anything.
But she is! And she’s been transported to another world! But she doesn’t care, because she’s giving birth. So, we now have a priority list.
(The following document was procured from Maria’s bedroom at the Home by Lobsang, shortly after she died.)
Maria’s To-Do List
1. Be angry about losing my monkey bracelet
2. Give birth
3. Wonder how I managed to be transported to another world
And now, Maria transports herself back to her own world – but without the baby! This is literally every mother’s worst nightmare!
But ‘Joshua’ (or so Maria is about to name him) is feeling the Silence, something that will inspire/haunt him, affect his personality and definitely isn’t similar to anything in any popular British TV show that might have aired a year before this book was published.
But the baby was alone in his own universe! Well, apart from all the plants, bacteria and other animals that surrounded him. It was like sitting amongst Star Wars fans – no human beings in sight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And, to finish this bizarre and confusing chapter, let’s talk about an organism that takes up an entire continent a few billion worlds away. Here it is, Instagramming away, when it has a thought. Cliffhanger!
Chapter Two[]
I hope you’re all intrigued by that first chapter! It was so confusing, you must want to keep reading to find out how many drugs we’re on and where you can find them in your part of the world.
Unfortunately, we are not on drugs. We really were in our right minds when we wrote that. In fact, we can write perfectly readable books. That’s why we’re famous in the first place.
However, people will read our books no matter how badly they start. So, we’re gonna take advantage of that.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, Joshua likes books. Such an interesting fact. But we’re really just trying to introduce this character a bit before he gets any dialogue. He’s the baby from Chapter One, by the way.
We hate noise, us old fellas. We’re going to have a long first-world-problem rant now through the thoughts of our lovely main character about our hatred of sound.
Now we’re going to write something else that doesn’t make sense right now. There are multiple Earths! When has this ever been done before? But keep reading to find out what we mean by this!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let Wotan explain.
“This Earth is just like a card in a pack of cards. And every now and then, there is an Earth or a card this is a Joker. Oh wait, we’re not talking about that yet. Sorry.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, at the Black Corporation…
“Good evening, Joshua. I use your name a lot and appear very educated. I have a very large and frankly useless vocabulary that will potentially alienate some readers of this book. Maybe if I switched to Bogan Setting, this book would be more popular?”
That was Lobsang, the talking-
“Drinks machine? You’re a drinks machine,” said Joshua.
“I am not a drinks machine. Although I am a machine that has the ability to produce drinks.”
“Then you are a drinks machine.”
“Am not.”
“Am so.”
“Am not."
“Am so.”
“Am n-“
“Enough! I am Selena and I’m attractive. Stop forgetting about me!” Selena cried.
“Oh yes,” Lobsang started. “This is Selena, my bitchy, attractive personal assistant who is very jealous of Joshua.”
“Nice to meet you,” Joshua said, extending his hand.
“I want to push you down those stairs,” Selena said, shaking his hand. “Oops, I’m meant to say that in Chapter Five! Sorry.”
“Anyway, I’m Tibetan, and a former motorcycle repairman. But I was reincarnated as a vending machine for soft drinks. Don’t fear, you’ll never get an explanation as to how this happened. It’s just very convenient for the story,” Lobsang explained.
“This is so weird,” Joshua exclaimed. “Why couldn’t you just have been a normal guy going on a normal expedition?”
“Because this character is special and very useful. If I was just an ordinary man, the story might seem sexist.”
“How?”
“Observe," Lobsang instructed. "Selena?"
“Yes?"
“Would you like to go on a record-breaking boundary-busting expedition with us?”
“Ooh, yes please!”
“Too bad, there are dishes here for you to do,” Lobsang said dismissively.
“That’s sexist!” Joshua shouted.
“No, it’s not,” Lobsang said. “We’re only going because I’m hyper-intelligent and you’re relevantly unique. I’m not leaving Selena behind because she’s a woman, it’s simply because she has no knowledge relevant to the expedition that I don’t have myself. Now, if I hadn’t been super-intelligent, this book would have been sexist.”
“Oh, I see what you did there,” Joshua said, giving Lobsang a little clap. “Alright, I’ll come.”
“No, don’t say that!” Lobsang cried, instantly excreting ten cans of Coca-Cola in shock. “We need a lead-in for the next chapter!”
“Ok, I don’t want to come.”
“Ah, but you were there on Step Day.”
“Everyone was there on Step Day.”
“Step Day, Step Day, Step Day.”
“Step Day.”
“Step Day.”
“STEP DAY.”
Are you all wondering what Step Day is yet?
“But everyone was there on Step Day. Except the babies that have been born since. Eh, whatever.”
“But you felt at home, didn’t you, Joshua?”
Keep reading, people!